The Claar Family's Sweet Nothings

"Keep your head up! Love those who you know it is healthy to love. Keep hate from your heart because it will hurt you more than anyone else, and know that your integrity is not something you have to prove to others - it speaks for itself loudly enough to those who want to hear. And to those who don't want to hear, there is nothing you can do to force them to recognize truth. But the "rub" that gives me a bit of a smile is that those who choose to live in lies and negative innuendo are usually pretty unhappy and stressed ALL OF THE TIME! And that is a pretty severe punishment they choose for themselves. You are loved!"- Susan Beth

I cannot tell you how comforting those words are. To know that I am doing the right thing, even when no one is looking...and I have nothing to prove to anyone. Thanks again Susan Beth for sharing that with me...you are truly appreciated!
The drama for now has taken a back seat....for that I am thankful. I have spoken to a couple family members that have taken the position to "not add to the mess" and while I can understand their position...I have asked them to express their position in writing to EVERYONE. I can only hope they will.
So for now....carry on! ( I am )

Let me first say that I am home...safe and sound without any travel glitches!(As many know this isn't always the case when it involves me and an airplane!)
As for my cousin's wedding...it was divine! Absolutely beautiful. Sadly I have a limited amount of photos, as the "hired photographer" was rather grumpy about me photographing anything...but oh well. I am sure there will be some photos to share later.
I am so glad that I had the chance to spend some lovely time with my extended family...the Cook's. What a great opportunity that was! Thanks for the laughs I really enjoyed getting to know you all better.

But of course any trip to my home of origin cannot be as I once wished it would be. There is so much strife and contention that it chokes out the sense of peace I so desperately want from this place. Family issues over flow into this river of toxic waste and I simply refuse to be a part of it. I am sad that I have to leave my Mother in such a terrible place...the place she calls home...the place that extended family members have appeared to "take over". This place of entitlement that they have....that somehow some way it is for them to decide how life will roll. Since the death of my Great Grandmother, Charlotte, all caution and concern for others has gone out the window! My Aunt Pat has an agenda...and the rest of us are in her way. She is determined to fulfill this agenda by any means necessary and finds it perfectly OK to take everyone down that may be in her way. It's sad really.
I find myself looking back at my childhood and wondering how much of it was real. I mean REALLY real. How much of it had depth and meaning that have a value to me now. A value that only I can ascertain. Was my childhood really what I remember of it? The memories I have run long and deep. They run wide. I remember things that any other person would have forgotten. Little things that are forever etched in my mind. They have forever left an impression. A fingerprint in my mind. The fingerprint in my mind is like that of my actual finger....exclusive to me only...no one else can claim the exact same.
All though when asked how it was for me growing up...I usually reply it was pretty good....never for a second thinking to share those deep dark secrets that I held for so long. My "family" knows those secrets and sadly some chose sides. Not like you would choose a team on the playground (oh pick me pick me)...but chose their side/team, silently, by their actions or LACK of actions. I was certainly hurt by those people's decisions and realized very quickly who was my true family and who was NOT to be trusted. The shame and guilt caused by sexual abuse runs DEEP. Deeper than one could ever imagine. But for me I have moved past that. I moved on from the abuse. I am a wife and a mother and even a grandmother, now. I have lived through the hell not once but twice. Once as a child when it was happening...and then as an adult survivor who lived through that hell once again. I have spent many hours, days and years trying to put the lid back on the jar that I opened many years ago...the jar that spilled those deep dark secrets. But I am a better person for that. I am not shame-filled for what a sick perverted man did to me. I am not hate-filled. I know that I am who I am because of the experiences I had as a child...and I am OK. I know that I am ENOUGH. I am ME. Those horrible experiences helped in the evolution of who I am today.
I have learned boundaries....and it's not always so black and white. The boundaries get muddied and sometimes disappear. But in the end I know what I am willing to put up with....and as equally what I am NOT willing to put up with.
My Aunt Pat's current agenda is to create a sense of power for herself. A sense of right and wrong. It is hard for me to say where everyone else (family members) is with Pat's agenda...and I can only speak for myself. And I will say this: Her tactics do NOT scare me. I will not go against my beliefs to further her agenda. I know what I have done is not morally or ethically questionable. I know the truth and I will stand strong in the truth. Even if my Aunt wants to be accusatory and hate filled. I will wax strong and hold my head high.
I am home now...and the angst continues. Unfortunately my Aunt as stooped to accusatory and hurtful emails, in hopes to recruit more for HER cause....and you know....that's OK...desperate people do desperate things.
I have not stolen any thing from Charlotte and quite frankly I am appalled that someone would make such claim....I am taking these accusations in stride and have sent my response to the "family"....I can only hope that they to see through the web of deception that is my Aunt's agenda.